Don't Worry

I hear this phrase way too much. I am, by nature, a worrier. I worry about what other people think of me, I worry about how I look, I worried about my academics, I worry about my family, I worry about my role in life, and I worry about my family. This is who I am. I worry.

Maybe all of the worry in my life has been to prepare me for my current worries. Maybe I bring on the stress by focusing on it, or maybe I accomplish my goal and ease the burden by thinking it through.

Currently, I like to think that I worry less about the little things as my brain works on the issue of L's short stature. When we were first told that he wasn't growing as he should my mind jumped to all sorts of possibilities. The first two rounds of bloodowork and meetings with doctors and a nurse practitioner at an endocrinologist's office revealed that there really is something to worry about. He appears to have a very low level of growth hormone. This means his problems could be anything from a growth hormone deficiency which is treated relatively easily to a form of dwarfism which is not so easily dealt with.

I have since poured my heart into researching everything I can about GHD and dwarfism and have been frustrated because I cannot find any information on dwarfism in young children. I cannot find pictures of children with dwarfism that are his age which I could compare him to and I cannot find any resources for parents dealing with similar concerns. The internet is such a great resource, but it is failing me right now.

Over the last few months, I have taken heart in the fact that people tell me "He looks so proportionate, just small". It helps to see with someone else's eyes. My neighbor knows a little boy who is a dwarf and is almost three. According to her, Liam shows none of the physical characteristics. This was a relief to me as I have not been able to find out when the physical signs might start to appear. Would I be able to tell visually by now? I don't know, but he isn't that much younger than that other boy. Right after that, L and I were in a McDonalds playland in TN and saw a little girl who was very obviously a dwarf. Without seeming like a morbidly curious person, I could not really ask the parents all the questions that were coursing through my brain. I did, however, decide that L looks nothing like her physically and started to let my mind ease a little.

Today it all came crashing back on me, though. Today, I received a picture in the mail that was taken two months ago. In it, L looks very disproportionate to me. His legs look very very short compared to his torso and the worry came back in full force. I have started new searches and hit the same blocks as before. The information just doesn't seem to be out there.

I have experienced no worse feeling in the world than knowing that all is not right with my child and having no idea of how to prepare him or myself for what is to come.

One of the reasons that I so dread G's next departure is that he will be gone when L and I go to see the endocrinologist for the more detailed bloodwork. To not have G's support and presence there scares me. Will I have the strength that L needs me to have? I must. I have no choice, but choice is not a part of any of this right now.

Strength is not something I feel I have an abundance of right now. I wish i knew where to pull it from.

While I am bleeding words onto the page without thought to coherency, let me add something else.

I think I have a feeling of guilt for worrying this much over L's size. One of the comments I have had many people make is something along the lines of "Well, at least it isn't ...." You can fill in the blank with just about any fatal condition. Frankly, I am very glad that, at the moment, we don't think his condition is life threatening and that it may not even be as bad as I am imagining, but I still think I am entitled to my worry.

Yes, he is alive. Yes, he seems to be healthy otherwise, but nobody wants to have to explain to a child why he is not the same as others. I am not talking about differences like freckles or curly hair or wearing glasses. I am talking about big, obvious, limiting differences. If he does have GHD or dwarfism, he will have a condition that is both visually evident and physically limiting. He will be up against discrimination, jokes, ignorance, and exclusion based on how he looks and not who he is. I have never personally experienced any of this and feel ill equipped to deal with it. I will educate myself and him to the best of my ability and I will always love him for who he is and not how he looks, but sending a child into the world with an issue like one of these is daunting at best and terrifying as well. I know it could be worse, but this is still more than I ever could have imagined and I only hope I will have the words for him that he needs, the love that he deserves, and the support to help him make his way in life no matter what the outcome is.

I guess you could say that this worrier is trying to prepare for the appointment in May that will pretty much reveal the future for L. I will be alone and it scares me. The actual tests don't scare me, but what they signify scares the hell out of me.

G and I have already discussed it and unless something life threatening turns up, I will not let him know until he gets home from Ranger School. His career hinges on Ranger School and he has only one shot. He would gladly trade that to be with us, but it seems futile since he cannot change the outcome any more than I can and whatever comes is just going to have to become part of our lives. That said, this is definitely one of those "not fair" times in life.

I have to admit I feel better for laying out my thoughts. I think they consume me to the point of depression when I don't release them and yet talking to anyone close to the situation seems selfish as they are dealing in their own ways and I am making a decided effort to not replay the same thoughts over and over and over with others. It is both a burden to them and downright boring, I am sure. Good old internet to the rescue.