In an effort to avoid this becoming a "poor me, my life sucks and i am going to tell you how" kind of a blog, I haven't posted this week. I keep wracking my brain for something to talk about that is positive and upbeat and masks the fact that I want to hide from the world and never ever go out again.
Honestly, though, my ideal situation right now inolves groceries being delivered, Gabe working somewhat *normal* hours that would allow me to see him at some point during the day, Liam being perfectly happy and healthy playing here by himself or with me without ever seeing the sun because mommy isn't up to going outside, and the dog learning to open the door to let herself out. It would be nice if she could hook her collar up to the lead out front as well.
As it is, I don't live in that world. I force myself to make eye contact with the neighbors, I take Liam to the playground or to ride on his bike or to the zoo hoping that we don't run into other people. I buy the groceries and cook the meals and I stay up late just to have a chance to spend some time with my husband.
I have never wanted to retreat like this and it scares me when I think about it too much. I don't even think that this *really* has to do with the events of last weekend. Sure, I was disappointed, but not in a "I hate myself kind of way", but more a "we need to explore options" kind of way.
I just don't know what is wrong and what to do. Have you ever had your head and your heart at war? The voice in my head is screaming at me all day long to make me do the things I need to in order to continue to function. Sometimes, I feel like that voice is losing the battle in a weird and detached sort of way. Luckily, I have a rambuntious toddler to jump on my head when I lay down and to pull on my hand when I am not moving fast enough.
In happier news, I had great success with WW this past week. I lost 3 pounds for a grand total so far of 6 in 2 weeks. I could handle some more weeks like this. I also got up, got dressed and took both Liam and the dog for a walk today. An honest to goodness 40 minute walk out in the brisk morning air. It was nice.
There...that was the post about things I don't even want to bring to this blog. Weight loss and depression. Ain't it grand? I will truly limit these sorts of outbursts! Of course, that means I may also limit my blogging days. Hmmmm
Honestly, though, my ideal situation right now inolves groceries being delivered, Gabe working somewhat *normal* hours that would allow me to see him at some point during the day, Liam being perfectly happy and healthy playing here by himself or with me without ever seeing the sun because mommy isn't up to going outside, and the dog learning to open the door to let herself out. It would be nice if she could hook her collar up to the lead out front as well.
As it is, I don't live in that world. I force myself to make eye contact with the neighbors, I take Liam to the playground or to ride on his bike or to the zoo hoping that we don't run into other people. I buy the groceries and cook the meals and I stay up late just to have a chance to spend some time with my husband.
I have never wanted to retreat like this and it scares me when I think about it too much. I don't even think that this *really* has to do with the events of last weekend. Sure, I was disappointed, but not in a "I hate myself kind of way", but more a "we need to explore options" kind of way.
I just don't know what is wrong and what to do. Have you ever had your head and your heart at war? The voice in my head is screaming at me all day long to make me do the things I need to in order to continue to function. Sometimes, I feel like that voice is losing the battle in a weird and detached sort of way. Luckily, I have a rambuntious toddler to jump on my head when I lay down and to pull on my hand when I am not moving fast enough.
In happier news, I had great success with WW this past week. I lost 3 pounds for a grand total so far of 6 in 2 weeks. I could handle some more weeks like this. I also got up, got dressed and took both Liam and the dog for a walk today. An honest to goodness 40 minute walk out in the brisk morning air. It was nice.
There...that was the post about things I don't even want to bring to this blog. Weight loss and depression. Ain't it grand? I will truly limit these sorts of outbursts! Of course, that means I may also limit my blogging days. Hmmmm
posted by Mandy at
3:17 PM
2 Comments:
Oh honey, I'm sorry. Don't limit yourself on here - you write about what you need to release. It could help you sort through it all. I wish I could do more than type some empty words on a screen to help you. It sucks. If it is last weekend's disappointment that has you down know that you're so very much not alone. You've dealt with a lot lately - major move, not seeing Gabe at 'real' hours after not seeing him at all for so long, Liam's growth, the negative test, being in a new place where you don't know anyone...all that stuff falling on you at the same time, well Mandy, its amazing you're holding it as together as you are.
Keep doing what your doing and you'll get through it. Its not easy to get up when all you want to do is pull the covers high over your head. 12-step programs have a saying we could all learn from sometimes "Fake it till you make it."
I'm so sorry you feel all this. I am. I wish I could help take the ache away.
By
Sandy, at 3:35 AM
Well, Sandy said it better than I could have, so I´ll just add my hugs and that I´m thinking of you... And hey, vent all you want on your blog-- it´s healthy to get it out and to know that people are hearing you, even if they can´t do much else than send good wishes thorugh the screen. And if you feel like it all becomes too much, maybe some meds might help you-- not to be falsely cheerful, but to feel like yourself again.
By
kate, at 4:42 AM
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