Crossing the Line?
The word "depression" is a very big word in a lot of ways and one that I don't invoke lightly, but I am really starting to be scared that I am leaving the "blues" behind and crossing the line to depression.
I can honestly say that I have never used the d word to describe feeling low. One of my best friends in the whole world (hello, Kate) has suffered for many years with severe depression and I would never want to trivialize that by describing my own low spirits in such a way.
Never until now. What does depression really mean? How does it feel?
Is it crying for no reason and with no warning?
Is it being moody and angry without reason or control?
Is it wanting to hide under the covers and never come out again?
Is it not answering the phone or door because you know that you would have to talk to someone?
Is it avoiding things like instant messenger services for the same reason?
If depression is these things then I guess I am. Some days, I think the only reason I get out of bed is the love I have for my son. I get up, feed him, clothe him, play with him, do activities to keep him busy, and snatch all the snuggles and kisses that I can. Even with all of that, though, I feel detached and as if it isn't my life.
How does one fight this battle? Why does this battle even exist? I could point to a lot of things in my life that I would love to "blame", but I just don't feel like I am upset over any one thing to the point that I should be feeling this way. It is almost as if it has nothing to do with my life at all. That probalby doesn't make any sense.
What I am trying to say is that I don't cry when I think of hating my house; I cry because the spoon is facing the wrong way in the dishwasher. I don't get angry because I can't seem to conceive; I get angry because the cushion on the sofa is not fluffed the right way.
Anyway, this effort to express myself is not going well and not making me feel better so that is all for now.
Damn.
The word "depression" is a very big word in a lot of ways and one that I don't invoke lightly, but I am really starting to be scared that I am leaving the "blues" behind and crossing the line to depression.
I can honestly say that I have never used the d word to describe feeling low. One of my best friends in the whole world (hello, Kate) has suffered for many years with severe depression and I would never want to trivialize that by describing my own low spirits in such a way.
Never until now. What does depression really mean? How does it feel?
Is it crying for no reason and with no warning?
Is it being moody and angry without reason or control?
Is it wanting to hide under the covers and never come out again?
Is it not answering the phone or door because you know that you would have to talk to someone?
Is it avoiding things like instant messenger services for the same reason?
If depression is these things then I guess I am. Some days, I think the only reason I get out of bed is the love I have for my son. I get up, feed him, clothe him, play with him, do activities to keep him busy, and snatch all the snuggles and kisses that I can. Even with all of that, though, I feel detached and as if it isn't my life.
How does one fight this battle? Why does this battle even exist? I could point to a lot of things in my life that I would love to "blame", but I just don't feel like I am upset over any one thing to the point that I should be feeling this way. It is almost as if it has nothing to do with my life at all. That probalby doesn't make any sense.
What I am trying to say is that I don't cry when I think of hating my house; I cry because the spoon is facing the wrong way in the dishwasher. I don't get angry because I can't seem to conceive; I get angry because the cushion on the sofa is not fluffed the right way.
Anyway, this effort to express myself is not going well and not making me feel better so that is all for now.
Damn.
posted by Mandy at
8:30 PM
4 Comments:
Hey, I just wanted to say that I get exactly what you mean.
I'm not sure about why you're feeling what you are feeling though, but sometimes, you just feel very horrible.
And later on you even end up feeling horrible for the way you felt so horrible earlier on?
It's a cycle. Perhaps you want to get out there and do something, like exercising or shopping, just something you enjoy?
Or you could do what I do, smile into the mirror at yourself. It makes your brain think you're happy, and your mood will improve. (though sometimes I wish I didn't have such a silly brain.)
Take good good care.
By
lynette, at 3:09 AM
Ahh honey! I so wish I could just sit with you face to face and let you have out a good cry.
Sometimes we get upset over little things because it let out the emotions without forcing us to confront the real big demons hiding in the closet. In otherwords, I don't know why you're depressed, but I'm willing to bet even though the misfluffed pillow starts your tears you're not really crying about a pillow at all.
If it continues to be bad for you seek out someone that will let you just talk and maybe help point you in a new direction to find the root of your overwhelming sadness. And in the meantime, you may feel numb as you go about your day mothering Liam, and that's fine. That's totally understandable, really...but just keep faking it. Some day the dark curtain will be pulled back and the joy you feign in these tasks will be real. I promise.
By
Sandy, at 11:15 AM
Oh, Mandy, I´m sorry you´´re going through this. I read this post and have been thinking of you but Sandy said it all so well that I didn´t know what to add. So I´ll just add some hugs and warm thoughts and my hope that things get better soon.
Take care.
Kate
By
kate, at 8:05 AM
Hi there,
As someone who was once depressed enough to go on anti-depressants, I want to tell you that you do sound depressed to me. I think that depression can creep up on us for many reasons, and those are best dealt with in order to really get free of the depression. I'm talking about things like grief, stress, fear, anger, bitterness, trauma, out-of-whack hormones, and so on.
However, in my own experience with depression I found that I was so debilitated by it that I could not do anything to help myself. Even the simple things seemed insurmountable. I used every bit of gumption I could muster just to get to my doctor and admit that I was in need of help.
Sometimes you just need to *feel* better so that you can get on the right track to actually *being* better. For many people anti depressants are the answer.
St. Johns Wort is an excellent alternative to antidepressants. it's widely available, inexpensive, doesn't require the time and money that going to a doctor will, and you aren't at the mercy of a doctor to come back however often deemed appropriate before they give you another prescription. Some people feel better with St Johns Wort in a day. For some it takes a few weeks or gradually improving for a month or two. But this can be the case with prescription antidepressants as well.
If you feel that you need the accountability of a doctor, then go. If not, just get to the closest vitamin section of any normal grocery or drug store or health food store and get thee some SJW. I pray that it will help you feel better in order to get better.
Take care,
Dolly Mama
dollymama.blogspot.com
By
Dollymama, at 9:48 PM
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