Why???????

In the midst of preparing for my husband to be gone and trying to organize the family support group, I have been trying to reconcile myself to the fact that not only will I not have a 2006 baby, but I will probably not have a 2007 baby either. In the back of my head, I try to tell myself that I am okay with that. That things will work out the way they are supposed to work out, but last night I realized that my inner self needs to STFU for a little bit.

As I congratulated yet another friend on her pregnancy (I seriously lost count at about 35 announcements in the last few weeks), I was praying that she couldn't see the stricken look on my face and that she would assume that the tears in my eyes were tears of joy for her happiness. I don't know how much longer I can keep it up. I really don't.

In a lot of ways my life is so full and yet my arms feel empty of the baby that I know should be in them. While crying myself to sleep last night and trying to explain this feeling to my husband, I couldn't help but ask "Why?". Why everyone else and not us? What did we do/not do to warrant this?

He gently responded that this is not a punishment, but even as he said the words, I couldn't help blurting out that it feels like one nonetheless. I fee like I am being punished and I don't even know what I did to deserve it.

I feel beaten down and hopeless andI can only hope that this feeling passes and that I can be content with the situation sooner rather than later. In the meantime, I am practicing the smile to hide the tears and the strong happy voice that will talk over the sad and quivery feelings underneath. Every baby is a joy and should be celebrated even if I am not the one with the privilege of carrying that baby.