I was *this* close to scrapping this blog. I have had no motivation to write in it and that is sad since I really only write in it to get my feelings out. I have plenty of feelings that need to fly out of my body, but I am bottling them up until I feel like I might explode.

This infertility is really getting me down. I keep saying I am going to finally make that first doctor's appointment and get the ball rolling medically, but I just hate the thought of admitting that we can't make another beautiful baby on our own.

We did such a great job with the one we have (though he is hardly a baby anymore). There is also the big fear in the back of my mind that I almost don't want to express. What if we go a medical route and it doesn't work? How do I reconcile myself to being the mother to one beautiful and amazing child when I feel so strongly that I have two or three more offspring in me just waiting to join us?

Beyond that, there is the factor that I hate going to new doctors and I truly dread having to step on the scale and be told that I am grossly overweight. I *know* I am grossly overweight. It is amazing to me how many people think that this is something a fat person needs to be told. It is hardly something I have managed to overlook the last 6 years. It is very much in my mind and it is an issue I struggle with daily. I will admit that I am only just now really committing to turning things around. i know I should have been working on this sooner. I really do. I just hate that smug knowitall tone that people use when letting you know that you are not at a healthy weight. I can never decide whether I should be obnoxiously sarcastic "What? you mean that my years of trying to pack on as much fat as possible were a mistake? I should have been exercising and eating well? I totally picked the wrong role models! Damn" or runn crying from the room.

I know that my weight is a factor in my infertility. Chances are really good that my weight is the primary factor in my infertility. How many times can I say infertility in one post? Infertility Infertility Infertility. Even knowing this, though, it is so hard to turn things around and lose the weight. I didn't gain it overnight but I sure as hell gained it a lot faster than I will realistically be able to lose it. That said, I really want to be healthy for myself and I hope that by doing weight watchers and workong out I will do more than just achieve my goal of losing weight and improving my fertility. I hope that I will also manage to improve my self-image because right now it is not positive. I really feel guilty because my husband married a relatively fit and shapely girl and then she got eaten up by this lazy and fat woman. He didn't deserve that.

Unfortunately, nothing about this train of thought is going to help me be more upbeat in any way, but I am really glad I didn't delete the blog.