Friends

In my life, I have had many friends. Early on, they were typically the daughters of my mother's friends, but it didn't take long for me to start forming bonds on my own based on interests and needs. Friends fulfill many roles in our lives, but when it comes right down to it, interests and needs are the driving force behind most relationships.

One of the most lasting bonds that I have been blessed to be a part of started when I was in the school gym during 7th grade waiting for my science project to be judged. I couldn't tell you what the experiment was about, but I will never forget the fun that I managed to have in that unexpected location sharing secrets and forging the foundation of a friendship that would last decades. I moved around a lot prior to that year and so Kate (one of the 6 girls in that interesting knot) is truly my oldest and dearest friend.

Through the awkward middle and high school years we have supported one another despite the fact that we really had nothing in common. She is a born actress. Her talents awe and amaze me. I, simply put, am not. She had her social group and I had mine, yet we still managed to remain best friends until the day we graduated. It didn't stop there though. Through colleges in 2 different states, my marriage, her career, never being in the same place at the same time, and only getting to talk 2-3 times a year (though when we do talk it is as if we had never parted), our friendship has persevered. That is the best kind of friendship. The kind that expects nothing and gives everything. I am humbled when I think of her and all she has been through with me and me with her.

While I am not lucky enough to be physically close to my best friend, I have been blessed with good friends at almost every stage of my life. In college, we were thrown together based on our membership in ROTC. I was never at a loss for someone to share my secrets or to eat ice cream on a dateless night with. I still manage to keep in touch with some of those amazing people.

Since leaving college, though, it seems to get harder and harder to find those good friends. Still, I have never felt at a true loss for female friendship. She has been my coworker, my neighbor, the wife of my husband's coworker, and the mother of my son's classmate. Always, though, these friendships are formed on mutual needs or interests. Sometimes, it is my need to befriend someone else, sometimes it is my need to be befriended. Often, the needs shift or change and the good friendships shift and change as well. Always, though, there is an expectation of support and trust for while sometimes a friendship is one sided, that cannot continue indefinitely.

In recent years, I have finally realized that losing a friendship sometimes means it was never there to begin with. That can be a hard lesson to learn for someone prone to shouldering the responsibility for relationships. It has been a lesson 30 years in the making and is only just now starting to take form in my head.

It is interesting to see how some of the doomed relationships come to pass (and pass away). One such relationship started very casually based on common location and a handful of parenting similarities. Unless the common threads get woven with others, though, they tend to break one by one. The commonalities in this case were ones that created a form of competition. Admiration expressed on one side was seen as envy on the other and the offering of services (babysitting, supporting a business, or companionship) were seen as infringing and pushing even when they were not rejected. It should have been expected from someone who routinely complained and gossiped about the shortcomings of others while highlighting her own superiority that it was just a matter of time before all the threads were severed. My regret is just that it was done in a cowardly and hurtful fashion rather than the upfront and honest approach she routinely prided herself on. Upon reflection, though, I am actually thankful that I did not get the opportunity to invest any more of myself in that situation.

It is also intersting to see how a friendship can be formed with someone whom you have no common ties or interests with. Allison is a fellow army wife and we met a few times before we actually tested the friendship waters. She is everything I am not; outgoing, forceful, funny, and very much a mainstream parent. I am very thankful that we kept getting thrown into situations together, though, because our friendship is what stands between me and insanity some days. Our husbands serve together, our children are like siblings, and I am just crossing my fingers that when our husbands come home the friendship will accomodate the changes to our needs and interests because I really can see us attending the weddings of each others' children. The best part is that this friendship, like that with Kate, seems to require very little conscious effort. Funny how that works.

Thank goodness that when I look back on my life of friends, I can count far more good ones than false ones for the good friends in life make all the trials and difficulties that much easier to handle.