The last few weeks have been such a whirlwind of activity and I can barely find the time or energy to sit down, much less post in here. More than that, though, there are just some emotions that are almost impossible to express without sounding whiny or weak.

My dreams of having a second baby anytime in the next 2 years has been abandoned. I almost wrote "for now" and then I realized that it really has been given up. There won't be much we can do when one participant is in a warzone. As much as it hurts, I have to give up on that idea and concentrate on the things i can affect.

I can send my husband off knowing that his wife and son will be self-sufficient and have resources during those times that we need help.

I can help my son adjust to living without Daddy for a very long time.

I can be the best FRG leader my husband could ever hope for (see the link for a description of an FRG) and help to make sure that the families of soldiers are self-sufficient and can find help when they need it.

I can support and love my husband from afar.

There are definite steps I have already taken to achieve these goals of mine. I have been to training for FRG Leaders.

I am starting to count jellybeans (562). There will be one for each day we anticipate that Daddy will be gone. Liam will get to eat one each day he is gone. The idea is that by the time the jar is empty (or close to it) Daddy will be home in our arms again. The beauty of jelly beans is that I can adjust the number in the jar as needed.

We have purchased a videocamera and will start having Daddy read stories and say bedtime prayers with Liam on the tape.

Pictures, talking picture frames, build a bear with a voice recording (there can never be too many places that L can hear Daddy's voice), a special present from Daddy to L as a "good-bye", and countless other items must be found and hidden away in the next couple of months.

Any and all ideas on how to make this time apart as easy on a little boy as possible would be greatly appreciated.

The best thing I can say about the things we are doing now to prepare for then is that being this busy means that I don't have time to think about it all. When I stop to think (like now), I can't stop the tears as much as I hate them. It is because of that that I won't address the wills, powers of attorney, or "contingency" plans at this time.

We just received word that my husband will be deploying sooner rather than later. This is the job he has trained for, but we will miss him while he is gone. For now, I am counting the days until his departure with a heavy heart, but soon I will be able to start counting the days until his return. This poem expresses in some small way how I am feeling right now.

The Silent Ranks

Author: Unknown

I wear no uniforms, no blues or army greens
But I am in the Army in the ranks rarely seen
I have no rank upon my shoulders - salutes I do not give
But the military world is the place where I live
I'm not in the chain of command, orders I do not get
But my husband is the one who does, this I can not forget
I'm not the one who fires the weapon, who puts my life on the line
But my job is just as tough. I'm the one that's left behind
My husband is a patriot, a brave and prideful man
And the call to serve his country not all can understand
Behind the lines I see the things needed to keep this country free
My husband makes the sacrifice, but so do our kids and me
I love the man I married, Soldiering is his life
But I stand among the silent ranks known as the Army Wife

Recovery Phase

Recovery Phase

Today was Liam's 3 month follow up with the doctor to check the progress of his Perthes Disease. The prognosis is good. Heck, it is GREAT.

The doctor showed us on the x-rays how his hip seems to be reforming and said that it is likely that he is moving into the recovery phase. He can still have periods of inflammation (and pain) and those periods can occur right up until full recovery is achieved, but she was very encouraged by what she saw in both the x-ray and the physical exam.

Liam was very good submitting to both the x-ray and the exam without a fuss. He was charming to the nurses and was polite when they gave him stickers and candy. Overall, it was a good trip. His next follow-up will be in 4 months unless something happens between now and August to warrant another look.

The rest of the day was great for the family. We got to shop at stores we don't have at home, eat at a restaurant we can't normally eat at, and spend some quality time just enjoying each other. Overall, I would say that today was a good day!

Simple Things Can Make the Crappy Apartment a Home

We have never been in a position to own our own home and it will be quite some time (years) until we are ready to make that move. In the meantime, we make do with rentals and military housing. I prefer to rent because I have more say in the kind of home I live in. If I don't like a place then I don't rent it. With military quarters, though, we are much more limited and get no say in what we are authorized to live in. We are currently in military housing.

You might ask why we put up with a place to live that we don't like and are crammed into rather than find something else and if you were to ask, the answer is very simple. There is nothing around here that we can find to rent. Nothing. I have never lived in an area such as this. The community is not equipped to deal with (and profit off of, I might add) the number of soldiers and soldiers families who need to to live here.

It is because of this lack of civilian housing that we are forced to make do with what the military offers. Blech! We have been in this apartment for almost 6 months now and I suddenly realized that even though we don't have much freedom in making the place ours, we have actually done quite a few things to make it more homey for us.

We took down the transverse curtain rods in the living room and the bedroom (who even has transverse curtains anymore?) and put up nice wrought iron rods and simple cotton curtains. We also replaced the cheap showerhead in the shower/tub combo with a rainfall showerhead. It is so much nicer that way. Wallies help add a personal touch to the walls in a nonpermanent way. Finally (and this part has nothing to do with the apartment, but a lot to do with how much we have to spend on a bed), we just added a memory foam mattress topper to our bed and I can't believe the difference. I highly recommend it to anyone and everyone.

Maybe it is just the good night's sleep that improves my outlook on the living arrangement, or maybe I am finally getting the hang of turning any hovel into a home with right decorating and functional tools.

What is blog etiquette for blogrolling someone? I have a few blogs that I would like to add and I just don't know if I should try to get permission first. If there is no email address on said blogs should I leave a comment asking permission?

Sandy and Colleen, many apologies for not asking your permission!

The Things People Say

I am truly amazed sometimes at how insensitive other people can be. I am not always as sensitive to other people's feelings as I would like to be, but I have always made a really sincere attempt to consider how my words will affect others before I say them. In fact I would be willing to say that I overthink such things. There is something to be said about putting in more effort rather than less, though.

I will admit that I am at an awkward place in my life where I am hyperfocused on something and it is something that most people don't have to worry about or think about for the most part. What I am talking about is the dreaded "I" word. If you have read my blog at all you know what word I refer to.

Maybe I am too touchy about my fertility (or lack thereof), but I came very close to saying things I wouldn't normally say yesterday to someone I don't know. Words almost left my mouth and went flying through the air even after I had deemed them hurtful and mean. I am still not sure whether I am thankful that kept my silence or whether I wish I had said what I was thinking. Maybe I will never know. All I know is that I don't want to turn into a mean and bitter person, but at the same time, I really want to express my feelings sometimes when they have been trampled on in the most hurtful of ways.

You may be wondering what could possibly have happened to make me want to say mean things. Not just say mean things, but say mean things to the mom of a 1 month old baby. Say them to the mom of a newborn who is probably (giving her the benefit of the doubt here) just a general run of the mill idiot rather than the insensitive and hurtful bitch she seemed to me.

We (some friends and I) are starting a local playgroup. I know 3 of the 4 other moms relatively well and the mix of children ranges from 1 month old to 4 years old. The plan is to have stories, songs, and free play for the kids, and for the moms to get some much needed social time.

I do not hide the fact that we are TTC if I am asked and I also do not advertise it if I am not asked. The mom that I don't know asked about Liam's age and then we had this conversation.

Her: So, when are you thinking about having another?

Me: We have been TTC for 2 years and I am experiencing secondary infertility. I am starting to see a doctor for help. (so I think I was pretty clear that this is no casual thing)

Her: (holding her beautiful and amazing son) You should try to prevent with Natural Family Planning. Look where it got us. I should give you my book. It works so well.

Everyone else just kind of sits there a little shocked.

Me: Thanks, but I am very aware of my bodies signs.

Her: No, really, I should give you my book. Just try to prevent for a month and you will end up pregnant. Of course, I get pregnant at the drop of a hat.

Me:

She was still talking about how *well* NFP works (or didn't) when we all packed up to leave 2 hours later.

I really don't know if I can continue in this group. So what is the consensus. Is she really that dumb or is she just so insensitive and uncaring of other people's feelings? I can almost handle stupid people better than clueless or mean people.