I was afraid of this. My MIL kind of got our hopes up and now we haven't heard from her in a week. I would imagine that that means that things won't work out for adoption. Damn.

I am battling the urge to delete the previous post, but have decided (for now) that it was a big event in my life right now and even though it didn't come to pass, that doesn't mean we won't ever be able to adopt.

Right now, my man and I are disappointed and need some time to regroup.

Before our struggles with infertility, before our first child was conceived, before I met my husband or even graduated from high school, I made a pact with my best friend to open and orphanage when we grow up and to adopt and raise as many children as we could possibly handle and then some. Our husbands were mere whisps of dreams and we were both drawn to the idea of helping children in need. I was going to be a doctor and she a lawyer to cover our bases and we were going to have (together with our spouses and natural children) a family unit somewhat like that in Louisa May Alcott's Little Men.

Sometime between then and my recent past (the last 6 months or so) I lost sight of that dream and when I thought of it it was in the sense of "one day" and "when things are right". More recently, though, Soldier Boy and I have actually talked about the possibility that adoption may be our one and only route to having more children. We also were honest with ourselves in knowing that we are not in a financial position right now to afford an adoption. Adoptions are expensive business; or so we thought.

I don't even know if I can get this all out in a coherent and readable manner. I feel like I am one raw nerve ending and can't decide if I should hyperventilate or throw up. All I know is that I will be one heartbroken mama if I let myself get too tied up in these emotions before I have something more solid than a conversation with my MIL to go on.

You might be scratching your chin at this point and wondering when my MIL entered the picture. Well, it was about 4 months ago in a conversation with her that I mentioned SB and I were thinking of adoption and definitely weren't opposed to it. We talked a bit about how they (the in-laws) would more than support us emotionally if we choose to go that route and about all the wonderful children out there who would benefit from having parents such as us. That was it. Nothing big; or so I thought.

She called today to talk to me a bit before she goes to see her sister who is visiting her daughter (MIL's niece) in Alabama. Said sister (SB's aunt) is a missionary who has been working for the last year in Guatemala at an orphanage.

Blah blah blah blah

Conversation with MIL ends with the hope that not only is there a baby at said orphanage who would be perfect for us (according to Auntie in law), but financially all we would need to cover would be the home visits and inspections in this state. Adoption fees at the orphanage are minimal and air fare there and back would be covered by FIL (airline employee).

I don't even know what to think. Am I this giddy because of my extreme stupidity or because of my faith? I would like to think that only God would place such an opportunity within our grasp and I would not like to think that God would be playing a big practical joke on us.

The practical joke angle is heartbreaking to consider. Take a couple who wants more children and can't seem to have them. Dangle a baby (did I mention this is a girl baby?) in front of their noses. Make the whole prospect seem attainable and exciting only to laugh as the opportunity falls through.

The faith angle, however, makes me want to jump through any hoop I have to to make this happen. I am just so scared to put my heart on the line and even more scared not to.

This is a picture of me at the weight I am trying to achieve again. I know I can get there. Ignore the awful hair and the even worse sunglasses! Notice instead the nice shape that isn't too skinny! 

A scrapbook page of my two favorite guys when they were just getting to know each other. I can't believe how much my baby has grown. 

My favorite song for the day is "Let Them Be Little". I sobbed when I heard it yesterday. It makes you want to snatch up your little darling(s) and squeeze them tight.

Lyrics for Song: Let Them Be Little
Lyrics for Album: Let Them Be Little

I can remember when you fit in the palm of my hand.
You felt so good in it; no bigger than a minute.
How it amazes me you're changin' with every blink.
Faster than a flower blooms, they grow up all too soon.

So let them be little,
'Cause they're only that way for a while.
Give 'em hope, give them praise,
Give them love every day.
Let 'em cry, let 'em giggle,
Let 'em sleep in the middle,
Oh, but let them be little.

I never felt so much in one little tender touch.
I live for those kisses, your prayers an' your wishes.
An' now you're teachin' me how only a child can see.
Tonight, while we're on our knees, all I ask is:

Please, let them be little,
'Cause they're only that way for a while.
Give them hope, give them praise,
Give them love every day.
Let 'em cry, let 'em giggle,
Let 'em sleep in the middle,
Oh, but let them be little.

The so innocent, precious soul:
You turn around, an' it's time to let them go.

So let them be little,
'Cause they're only that way for a while.
Give them hope, give 'em praise,
Give them love every day.
Let 'em cry, let 'em giggle,
Let them sleep in the middle,
Oh, but let them be little.

Let them be little.

Here is the proof that weight watchers works. This is also the proof that faithfully following a workout plan works. I am not losing weight quickly, gosh darn it I am going to lose it nonetheless. I can see myself as I once was and I can't wait to feel comfortable in my skin again.

In other news, I finally worked up the nerve to schedule my well woman exam. Everyone think of me on the 23rd. This is the first step down a long road towards getting help with this secondary infertility. I have picked up the phone no fewer than 6 times to cancel the appointment I made just 4 days ago. I need to keep this appointment, but I am so afraid of what I will hear. I am so scared that I will be told I can't have any more children or even something worse.

This appointment is so good in many ways, though. I am making a list of things to bring up with the doctor. I want to have my thyroid checked, talk about PCOS, check my insulin resistance, and talk about the depression I can't seem to shake. I want to go armed with my fertility charts and I want to leave with some answers and some help. That isn't too much to ask at one office visit, is it?