Crossing the Line?

The word "depression" is a very big word in a lot of ways and one that I don't invoke lightly, but I am really starting to be scared that I am leaving the "blues" behind and crossing the line to depression.

I can honestly say that I have never used the d word to describe feeling low. One of my best friends in the whole world (hello, Kate) has suffered for many years with severe depression and I would never want to trivialize that by describing my own low spirits in such a way.

Never until now. What does depression really mean? How does it feel?

Is it crying for no reason and with no warning?

Is it being moody and angry without reason or control?

Is it wanting to hide under the covers and never come out again?

Is it not answering the phone or door because you know that you would have to talk to someone?

Is it avoiding things like instant messenger services for the same reason?

If depression is these things then I guess I am. Some days, I think the only reason I get out of bed is the love I have for my son. I get up, feed him, clothe him, play with him, do activities to keep him busy, and snatch all the snuggles and kisses that I can. Even with all of that, though, I feel detached and as if it isn't my life.

How does one fight this battle? Why does this battle even exist? I could point to a lot of things in my life that I would love to "blame", but I just don't feel like I am upset over any one thing to the point that I should be feeling this way. It is almost as if it has nothing to do with my life at all. That probalby doesn't make any sense.

What I am trying to say is that I don't cry when I think of hating my house; I cry because the spoon is facing the wrong way in the dishwasher. I don't get angry because I can't seem to conceive; I get angry because the cushion on the sofa is not fluffed the right way.

Anyway, this effort to express myself is not going well and not making me feel better so that is all for now.

Damn.

Another thing...

could someone tell me how to let my neighbor know how happy I am for her that she is pregnant when I was not able to do more than a quick hug before. She dropped that bit of news on me the day I got home from the trip and started TOM 2 days late. I know I wasn't as warm as I should have been.

Do I try to make a "yay you" gesture to make up for it?

Do I assume that she probably didn't notice my lukewarm response through her fog of happiness?

I really am happy for her. Really, I am. Really.

We are back. Back from the trip to be the hideous bridesmaid and I did look hideous with corkscrew tendrils and an awful dress i hope never to see again (I accidentally left it in Louisiana).

Overall, the trip was not horrendous...just me in the wedding was horrendous. Liam did great on both the flight there and the one home in spite of almost missing our connection to the point of them having to open the plane up for us.

Liam basked in grandparently love for 10 days, Gabe was as carefree as I have seen him in probably a year, and I managed to make it back having only gained 3 pounds. All in all a successful vacation.

Things I learned on this trip:

1. It is almost impossible to eat in a healthy manner when there are no vegetables to be found anywhere you go with your family.

2. It is almost impossible to avoid eating wedding cake when it is sitting everywhere. I can't remember clearly, but I think there was some in the bedrooms! LOL I caved and ate.

3. Hair and make-up done in Louisiana for a wedding result in a fat girl who is painted like a whore with china doll ringlets all over her head that are as hard as plastic. I did manage to avoid the camera for the most part. This is not a time I want to remember.

4. Apparently, it is a good idea for us to have another baby according to every person we encountered in the state. We really should start trying already. We are not being fair to the one we have because only children have such hard lives.

5. It is better to just smile and agree when getting the advice from #4 because if you attempt to explain that you *are* trying to have another baby and that eggs and sperm are not colliding on command then you have to hear all the things to try to make pregnancy happen.

6. It is much easier to just eat more cake in an effort to keep your mouth shut.

7. Toddlers will sit still if you give them candy on a strategic schedule.

8. The amount of candy it takes to keep toddlers from storming the stage during a wedding results in a very hyper group of toddlers at the reception. Very hyper.

9. It is impossible to get time alone to collect your thoughts, cry, or just think of nothing when there are 8 adults staying in a one bathroom, 3 bedroom house.

I am home, I survived, and now I can get ready to have my parents here for Thanksgiving. Company...WOO HOO!

You're Betty Grable!

What Classic Pin-Up Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

9 glorious years...

I have now known my husband for 9 years and 2 months. We have been a couple for 9 years. 9 years! WOW!

Though I dated others before him (a truly pitifully small number of 3 others), there has been no other love in my life. Gabe is my first love, my first long-term relationship, and my first...well...you know. Kind of sweet, isn't it?

Now, would you like to hear how we met, fell in love, and came to be married? Would you? Well, too bad because I am feeling all gushy and sentimental tonight.

We met in Army ROTC during our sophomore year in college. He was goofy and sweet and shy and I was immediately hooked.

How could I not fall in love with a guy who, prior to even really meeting me, dropped a whole armload of snacks because he was trying to say "hello" in a cool yet casual way when he encountered me in his dorm? It still makes me feel all mushy gushy inside when I remember the boy (heck, he was only 19) that he was.

How could I not fall in love with a guy who, in an attempt to show off before we actually had a conversation, climbed the rope on the rapel tower (30 feet up) only to slip from the top and need a ride to the health clinic because he burned his hands with the rope? He says to this day that it was a well planned scheme to meet me. I, of course, drove him to the clinic and waited while he was treated.

Is there any way I could have avoided falling in love with the guy who climbed my balcony in the rain because he was obsessed with showing me his strength in some primitive caveman way?

How could I not respect and love the man who worked 4 jobs one summer to buy me the perfect engagement ring (a 1/4 carat diamond nestled in a setting of saphires). This was done after only dating me for 7 months.

How could I not say yes to the man who took me on a walk during finals week only to sit me in a pituresque spot on campus and propose.

How could I not continue to love and adore the man who supports me in all I do and loves me for who I am. He has never indicated in any way that my body issues are issues for him. He just wants a happy and healthy me and will work with me to get that.

How could I not love the man who praised me for my strength when he is away. When some husbands would fault their wives for maintaining a social life through a long separation, mine encouraged me to get out, be happy, and continue to live my life. His utter trust in me humbles me.

How could I not adore the man who held my hand through labor, who stoically sat beside me during the surgery to liberate my child, and who cried as I did as that child first nursed at my breast.

How could I not worship the father who comes home from a long and draining day, leaves his work issues in his car, and gets down to wrestle and hug the nap boycotting boy we call son.

Our relationship has evolved in so many ways over the last 9 years that I just simply can't wait to see what the next 9 years have to offer; and the next and the next.

I love my husband for who he is and what he stands for.

Pet Peeves and Other Gripes

It really annoys me when...

...someone comments (on a website) on a recipe, gives it low marks, and proceeds to say all the ways that they didn't follow the recipe in the first place. How can you not like a recipe that you didn't even follow? What you made and didn't like isn't even the recipe you are referring to.

...my dog stands in the yard 10 feet from the door barking to come in and then won't come to the door. She honestly wants us to walk out into the yard and get her. Bitch!

...I find eggshells in the yard and didn't catch the punk kids from across the street when they were in the act of throwing them.

...my toddler maneuvers himself so that he pees outside of his diaper and wets his clothes. I really want him to get the concept of the potty, but I have yet to luck into his peeing or pooing when we put him on the potty.

...drivers don't let 2 women pushing strollers cross the freaking street. Come on already.

...that I have a one car garage and no other storage space and yet we are supposed to fit a car in said garage.

...that the sun is shining (okay, I am really in a bad mood today)

...flylady sends 1000 messages a day and doesn't just get off her behind and come clean my house.

...that I have no decorating sense whatsoever and no money to buy any.

...that we have to fly to Louisiana next week for a wedding.

...that I just can't be happy already.


Come on, join in and post a few pet peeves and annoyances of your own. Of course, reading downer blogs can't be among them!